I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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