my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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