If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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