I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
