just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i drank out of a bidet.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize