Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
