I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
