They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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