There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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