I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
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