Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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