im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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