There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
