dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
