it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
