I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
