I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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