I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
