Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
