Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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