I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
