true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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