He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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