ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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