i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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