I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
