i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
