Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Randomize