only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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