It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
