highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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