i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
