I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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