Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize