Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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