i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
