My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
