can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I know her cup size but not her name....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
