Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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