i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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