just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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