remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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