I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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