Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
