i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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