My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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