please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize