She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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