Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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