So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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