I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
