Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
