I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
