You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
