ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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