there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Randomize