why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
