My liver just broke up with me...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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